Casualty of Diabetes: Silliness

In the 15 years since my husband Tony developed type 1 diabetes, there have been many ways that the disease has infiltrated and affected our lives.  Most of these things have been obvious, and include much of what I've shared in this blog ... the anxieties, the work it takes to maintain balance, the challenges that daily living with diabetes takes, from both our sides.

It took me a while to realize that there was something else that had changed in our lives post-diagnosis  ... it was very subtle, but I realized that I missed it very much.  

Silliness.

Yes, silliness. The ability for Tony to loosen up and be silly, be spontaneous, be goofy ... without me automatically feeling that need to go on the defensive, check his pupils, question his sugar level. At certain times this need is magnified - for example if alcohol is involved.  However, it is true at any time, regardless of where we are or what we are doing.   What a sad thing for him to lose that feeling of spontaneity, that ability to have fun without having his intent or mental status checked!  What a sad thing for us as a couple to lose that innate sense of fun that we had before he was diagnosed, that sense of ease with loosening up and being in the moment.

It struck me that this may be a quiet, disconcerting thing for a lot of us spouses... and that we may mourn the loss of this in our lives more than we realized.  At least that's true for me, and I'm sure it's true for my husband.

The question of course is how to combat the feeling of loss that may accompany this experience.  How do we build in ways to get past our own anxieties and read any given situation for what it is?  How do we best communicate with our partners to try and understand where they are at?

Unfortunately I don't have any answers on this one... but I'm sure that some of you may!  Feel free to comment and share some of your thoughts or strategies on how you've managed this in your own lives.  We'd love to know.